I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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