My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
