Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
