smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
