Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
