I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
