ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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