I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
