Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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