i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
