you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
