Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
