We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
