I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
