I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
