um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
