he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
