pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
