I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
