the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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