Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
