Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
