Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
