It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
