I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
