I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
