...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
