my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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