nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
