my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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