a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
