i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
