This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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