tell your sister to shave her snatch
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
