I accidentally burped into my bong.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
