I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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