Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I look better un-naked...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
