So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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