i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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