My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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