Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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