I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
True strength comes from lack of pants
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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