Need sex. Gaining weight.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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