Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
