u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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