peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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