she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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