I hope mine doesn't look like that
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
