You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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