Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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