Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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