I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
