NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
