I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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