maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
