don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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